Recently I discovered that penning down thoughts can calm my crazy, hyperventilating, over thinking brain. I’m usually the advice giver in my friends circle but, this time I was given advice. So you know how annoying best friends can be: getting us drunk, not picking up the phone when we need them to and constantly nagging us to start a blog (yes, my friends convinced me finally).
I started believing that writing is a powerful medium to convey and let go of your emotions that the real world cannot take. And since this is my first attempt in writing online, I’m being extremely cautious to sound neat. But you know what I love about writing? It keeps me balanced and makes me a little less crazy. Oh wait, it also makes me realize how my thoughts can be so extremely bizarre!
I’m in my 20’s and I have dreamed of this phase since forever: the fun, the glamour, the laughter. I had this perfect life planned in my head and let me tell you this, I’m nowhere close to it. I mean, of course, I had some beautiful moments but then you start questioning yourself, “Have I done enough? Have I achieved anything? Why does it have to be me? Why do I feel alone? Is this how I’ll feel throughout my life?”
Everyone who knows me can be divided into two groups: those who like me and those who still don’t know me. My day revolves around food and coffee. I like to live in the moment and I react to almost everything irrelevant. I have an impulsive nature, a bad temper, I make the world stop around my nonsense and I’m sheepishly confessing that I’m a very, VERY, bad driver. My sense of direction in road and life sucks at the moment but I’m a proud, happy architect who appreciates the little things like pretty blue tiles or the smell of the earth after rain. I’ve had quite a normal life till the end of my teens and I guess my life was too bored of me so it threw me in an awkward place in a very short span.
You know, there are times when you wish you can run away, scream, disappear and act bat shit crazy? Well, it’s one of those days! I woke up all groggy, contemplating on whether I should wrap myself in my blanket covers and watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S all day or work. It took me days of endless lectures and arguments to convince my grandpa to wait for the room designs and when he finally agreed, I wanted to treat myself with a cold coffee (it was an achievement, really). As I sat waiting for my drink, I went back in time and there it was: the empty hollow feeling in your stomach and a lumpy throat. My eyes welled up and I felt my life crashing down. And I think “aren’t I supposed to be happy now? Didn’t I just accomplish an almost impossible task? So what are these tears?” What do I do? So many unanswered questions. Then it slowly hits me; people who were close aren’t anymore, my family is constantly man-hunting, my career is going nowhere! I also have an aversion to coffee now. Imagine!
Every aspect in my life was changing: career, relationships, health, beliefs. Can I just tell you this? I’m absolutely mind-blown, shocked, surprised (and all the synonyms of it) how life can turn around in a year!
I have recently gone through a very challenging year. I have broken a few promises, said the wrong words, made some wrong moves. I became a less confident woman with destroyed beliefs. I was left dispirited. But here’s what I learned: it’s okay to cry, it okay to feel all miserable and stupid, it’s okay to commit to crazy decisions and then regret it the very next minute and it is absolutely okay if you screw up. But stop pondering over it! You may have regrets, you may have given your heart to the wrong person, you may have said the wrong words but that doesn’t change a thing about how beautiful you are. You are more than your mistakes.
Forgive yourself. Start doing the small things. Read a book, enjoy your cup of coffee while it lasts, go for a walk alone, travel, have some “me-time”. Spending time alone is not lonely. Learn to love yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer! It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive. Forget about how everybody around you seems to be having a perfect life. Because guess what, nobody has!
Embrace your sadness, will you? Embrace your flaws. Love every bit of you!
P.S: My thoughts are here, there, everywhere, so bear with me.